He used his thumb to benignly rub my clitoris while his middle finger was still shoved deep inside me, caressing my vaginal walls and playing with my erogenous zone. His dainty finger felt good inside me. He knew exactly what he was doing to me and if I had looked at him keenly I’m sure I’d have seen a sly smile smeared on his face. He fingered me fervently as he simultaneously stimulated my clitoris. I lost all sense of reality when I felt his finger caressing the area around my butthole. He took me to a whole new dimension. An alternate universe where I was finally getting the kind of loving I was entitled to. The kind I deserved.
He moved is finger tenderly in circular motion around my asshole and he’d threaten to shove it inside me as he fondled my anus. He was on a mission I concluded. He was making up for the passable sex I had been accustomed to and apologizing for all the men who had failed to titillate me in that manner. My dominant self was completely subdued by him. I surrendered myself artlessly to him. My subjugated body lay calmly in front of him, letting him do with as he pleased. He woke up something inside me and I desperately needed to feel him inside me putting back to rest whatever he had disturbed. I had never wanted anyone as badly as I wanted him that day. My eyes were barely open, I was filled with so much desire that rendered it impossible for my body to function properly. I looked at him pitifully with my half shut eyes. I wanted him to see what he had done to me. How aroused he had made me, and I wanted him to respond accordingly by sticking his dick inside my wet vagina.
He got off the bed and reached for his bedside cabinet. I could tell he was looking for a condom. He fumbled with the durex condom and after what seemed like an eternity he finally got it on and hurriedly joined me in bed. He held his shaft and used his dick as a whip to lash my clitoris. He flagellated my clitoris with his penis and every time the head hit my clitoris I became more eager to host him inside me.
When he was done punishing me for a crime I wasn’t even sure I had committed he signalled me to get up and bend over to which I wholeheartedly obliged. I got on all fours and arched my back, my ass in the air and my vagina wide open for him. He put his hands on my waist and I breathed out heavily as I mentally prepared to take him in. He teased me a little, only inserting the tip of his dick a couple of times and I hated him for that. The anticipation was killing me. I wanted to curse him out loud but before I could do it he pushed his whole dick inside me. I could feel him deep inside. I let out a loud groan as my body capitulated in his arms. He must have touched my soul.
He felt good inside me, like he belonged there. He started off slowly, fucking me gently. Every thrust was well planned and executed. He had drained me, I could barely cry out in pleasure. I could only afford to internalize every feeling he was according me. But when he increased his tempo and started fucking harder and faster my mouth opened and I let out a soft moan as my clitoris gyrated in excitement. I knew I would cum, I was about to cum.
“Stop!” I shouted before burying my face in my hands. Guilt had slowly creeped inside me amidst all the pleasure I was receiving from that beautiful stranger who looked good in actuality as he had in his pictures. My lover was playing tricks on me, his ghost was haunting me. There I was about to disgorge on Don Juan’s sheets and release all the juice he had infused in me, but my conscience couldn’t let me. I felt like I was betraying my lover, after all he was the only one entitled to make me feel that kind of way. I was cheating on a man that was never mine to begin with, but a man I had loved nonetheless. Lord knows I was about to cry as the guilt ate me alive. It devoured every piece that makes up my existence, and when it was done, it left me nothing but an empty shell.
I cursed that human that I had loved more than I loved myself. He could not let me have my fun, live my life and enjoy every moment as it came. He was fucking other women with ease, I knew that and I’d let him do it, but his ghost always lingered around me every time I got naked with anyone who wasn’t him. I cursed every fibre of his being as I slowly drifted to the world we had created together. A world that only belonged to the two of us, a world we’d call home, a world that was now solely inhabited by me because I could never seem to find him anywhere. I’d search hard for him, even in other men I’d look for him and the realization that I had completely lost him when I couldn’t find him in those men, broke my heart every other time.
“Let me finish…Please!” I heard Don Juan say from what seemed like a distance. He had brought me back to that horrid reality. The realization that it was him I was with and not my lover burned deep inside me leaving an irremediable scar. I hated myself for a minute for letting him near me, for letting him that close to me and for letting him know me in ways that were only reserved for my lover. He begged me to let him finish what we had started and I reluctantly agreed to his pleas. I was so close to tears, I closed my eyes and let him have his way. He pushed his dick inside me and I let out a sigh of despair. He fucked me just as he had fucked me before hard and fast, only this time he did not have my attention. I was thinking about my lover and what we could have become had he not gotten away. If only he had stayed.
After he came he pulled his dick out of my vagina and jumped off the bed. I lay there for a minute fighting with myself for what I’d done. The internal battle was taking a toll on me and I needed to be alone just me and my thoughts. I asked him to direct me to his washroom and when he told me where it was I dragged myself off of his bed and found my way there.
I turned the shower on and stood there, motionless like a corpse. I was dead inside. He had killed me, but I had helped him do it. I had given him all the necessary tools to kill, and like a career assassin he had used them well and not even the cold water that rhythmically hit my ebony skin could bring me back to life. My thoughts were all over and I was lost in them. I thought about my life and what it had become. I thought about my lover and how far we’d come, how far I was still willing to go with him if he’d only let me. I blamed him for my iniquities it was easier for me that way. He had left me and that had turned me into the Careless Casanova that I loved and loathed in equal measure.
Convincing myself that he was somehow responsible for my actions made me sleep better at night, so I stuck with that narrative. I’d tell myself that tale every time I found myself unclothed with anyone who wasn’t him; in order to give myself enough peace to be able to close my eyes at night and fall fast asleep with the hopes of catching him in my dreams.
When the water started getting hot, I felt something inside me change. I could feel the hot water slowly but surely cleanse me of all doubts and the regrets that had been consuming me. I had wanted this, I had needed it, heck I even deserved it. I had wanted Don Juan to use me for everything I was worth. To fuck me like the whore I’d become, and when he was done to discard me as easily as I had let him inside me. He had done just that only that he had cum and I had not.
“I will see him again.’’ I told myself. “And when I do, we will cum simultaneously!”