A LETTER TO MY VERY FIRST LOVE. 2

“…Because we find peace in chaos, for when everything around us is in turmoil that’s when we are most at ease…” Just Jane

“How are you?” You asked, in that voice that had seduced me so many years back. I hadn’t talked to you in a year but I could still recognize your voice in a crowd of a million roaring people because your voice would whisper sweet nothings to me in the middle of making love when you’d enter inside me with so much ardour; make love to my mind, body and soul and consequently bring the woman out of me and I would hold you so tight in those moments and never want to let you go, afraid that if I did even for a split second I’d lose you forever for you’d wander off into the world and my brown eyes would lose sight of you as you venture into the unknown.

Your voice would promise me the world and everything she had to offer, I still remember how you’d assure me that one day you’d bring the world to my feet and with you by my side she would be mine for the taking. Your voice would tell me the lies I’d long to hear, the kind of lies that would make me want to talk to you for hours on end, watching how your mouth moved and listening to your accent slip between your beautiful African lips. My ears had never in my lifetime heard a voice so beautiful, so angelic and so alluring. It was unalike, it was outlandish, it was mine, it belonged to my long lost lover and I could easily recognize it.

Hearing your voice took me back in time to when we first met, that fateful day when you were standing in front of me and I barely noticed you because I was so busy talking to your friend Mark. Tell Mark that I’ll forever be grateful to him for leading me to you and to you for taking me from him. Tell him that there should be no hard feelings between us because things only happened the way cupid intended them to, you and I had no control over the love he shot our way with so much force it nearly broke us.

Tell him that everything happens for a reason and he would never have taught me how to love the way you did, not even in his wildest dreams.

Your voice took me back in time to when we’d talk on phone for hours without a clue of what we might one day become, how we always remained so interested and so invested in getting to know each other is a mystery I’m yet to unravel. Your voice took me back to those days when we’d lie in each others arms and talk about our future together like we had a clue what it had in store for us, like somehow the universe would let things play out the way we wanted them to, like we were the masters of our own destiny, like there was no greater force somewhere up there in the heavens whose plans outweighed ours by a great deal.

How cocky we must have been giving zero regard to fate, and willing our own future. How blind we were to the harsh realities of life. We never for a second stopped and thought that maybe life would one day hit us hard and when that day would come it would deal us a heavy blow that I would struggle to recover from for the longest time not knowing if the wounds would ever heal and when they do heal, how long it would take the scars to fade.

The sound of your voice made me recall the day life happened and the world, it did not fall at our feet like we had hoped it would instead it came crushing down on us, on our hopes and dreams, on the goals we had set out to achieve together, on the love we had built even with the odds completely stacked against us. You found your way away from me and I was forced to watch you chase your dreams from the side-lines and feel you distance yourself from me in the process. I do hope more than anything that you got everything you wanted out of life and it gives you so much joy, more than I could ever give you in a thousand years.

I could feel tears brewing in my eyes and I knew then that my brown eyes were turning red, you were going to make me cry but that was nothing new, you always did make me cry even the slightest thought of you brought tears to my eyes.

The tears that had been gradually building up in my eyes rolled down my ebon cheekbones as my heart fractured all over again. I wiped the tears with the back of my left hand because I did not want them to reach my smile lines and stain them with their bitterness and when I was done I placed my hand on my chest. I wanted to feel my heart breaking and goddam I did, every crack hurt like the last time you broke me.

My chest became heavy and it felt like the weight of the world had been placed on it for me to bear, my lungs collapsed and refused to take in oxygen. I could feel my broken heart beating faintly and every heart beat ached as it reminded me of everything that I had tried so hard to forget. The broken pieces scattered all over my body sending a cold shiver through it. You my love had broken a heart that had not even healed from the wounds you had inflicted a year earlier.

You asked me if I was still there, bringing me back to actuality and cutting short my array of thoughts. You asked me to meet you and I remember hearing myself say yes from what seemed like a mile away. The word yes echoed in my mind, and I couldn’t believe that I was the one who had uttered it. I had spent the whole year convincing myself that the day you’d come calling I’d dismiss you without a thought but somethings never change and I for one hadn’t changed. You hadn’t changed too and I could feel it, deep down in my guts.

Change is inevitable they say, but they always neglect to mention the aspect of time. People change over time and I guess that wasn’t our time to take on new forms. We were still the same you and I, I was still in love with you and you were still the hard-hearted man that I earnestly desired.

P.S That’s how you came back into my life.

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40 Comments

  1. You surely write from your heart. I’m a writer too, but I write from my head (mostly). But still, your words have a way of penetrating through the cracks of my logical, scientific, oh-this-cant-go-here-it-must-go-there, mind. I love how honest your articles are. I start reading them and I’m like, wait, is this my ex writing? So I scroll back up, confirm your pic, “Phewks! It’s not her.” I proceed reading. A few paragraphs down the line, “Wait, this must be her.” I scroll back and now *study* the picture. Try twist my phone into different angles as if that will reveal the cropped out part (somehow). Still, you’re not her. What I’m trying to say is, you’re a gifted writer. Great writer! And the cherry on the cake is that you are honest. By being honest, others can relate to you. Because every honest story is written for one reader only. And this certainly was written for both him, and I. (Whispering: Or, are you my ex? It’s okay, I won’t tell.)

    Liked by 6 people

  2. You’re an amazing writer. I felt every emotion reading this peice. It is truly sad when you create a life with someone and plan to do all these wonderful things and then all of a sudden things change. Time heals but it sure can take a long time.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Isn’t it a bummer how old lovers just waltz back in through your three layers of security detail, barricades and 40-feet perimeter walls and just turn you on like a switch? Pugh!
    I absolutely love your descriptions, so raw and relatable. Being in love is true madness, and there’s no hope for redemption because you now have a mad compatriot, who you will try not to strangle half the time you will be together.
    Oh, and the naive audacity that comes with a relationship. it is as if a whole exciting road unfurls in front of you. Soon enough you are facing the heavens with outstretched arms, in give-me give-me gestures expecting, as you described, the world to fall at your feet. But as you said, it crashes down on you…lol. You get up, dust yourself, and you are ready to do it again.
    I am quite pleased to know I am not the only one who has a thing with voices. God! I have an incurable fetish for lovely feminine voices. So much so I am currently writing an entire fictional novel inspired by a woman’s voice.
    Sorry for what you went through. But onwards we continue. Love from me 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Have gone through word by word for about 4 times and this one takes position 1 of all the blogs you have written, you have expressed so much filled with passion, your love life is seems to have been one like the soap operas sorry for all that happened and I believe as you said earlier you are healing well thank you for putting us in this life of yours

    Let me go back read it all again😎😎😎😎

    Liked by 1 person

  5. From the first quote, “peace in chaos”, am taken already. Am a router of “perfection in chaos”, but the peace is quite different. A different vibe of taking over my heart and mind with your writing. Like I wanna peer and see how life looks like from your end….. Poetry is my escape but your writings are enough ‘get-aways’ for me. I even wish I could meet you already…….

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Wow. You have content. You are one of the very few best writers I have read their work and am more than impressed. Keep writing more I will eagerly wait to read your piece. Thank you so much for sharing

    Liked by 1 person

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