I had spent many of my days after the phone call fighting with myself on whether or not I should go see him. My rational mind knew more than anything that seeing him would be a bad idea, a grave mistake for it would spark different kinds of emotions in me. My love for him was strong, stronger than ever, his absence had made my heart grow fonder and that had in turn made me scared, scared of him, scared of setting my sunken eyes on him, scared that he would read through me like his favourite childhood book and he would find my love for him deeply embedded in every nerve I posses and he would take advantage of it, of me.
He would take advantage of the love that flowed freely through my veins, nourishing me and making me whole. He had done it before and this time round I wanted to guard my heart and I was willing to put my life on the line in doing so. I desperately wanted to protect my fragile heart from him but this heart of mine always had a soft spot for him, it ached for him, it would cry out to him during my numerous sleepless nights when he was far from me. It wept for him on his bad days and talked to God on his behalf, asking the Almighty to keep him safe and to protect him from the danger that was himself. It would turn a blind eye to his mistakes, for it loved and it loved dearly.
My heart was the only home I wanted him to know, a place where he could come and find peace when everything around him was in disarray. It was the home I wanted him to run to when the world was on his neck, chocking him and suffocating him with it’s unrealistic expectations. It was the home I wanted him to come to, when things were going his way, when he was winning his battles with life.
I thought of the days he would place his head on my chest, to feel my heart beating not only to keep me alive but for him.
He would listen to the sound of my heart beating for him, the rhythm was his lullaby and I would watch him fall asleep to his favourite tune. I would wrap my hands around his neck, hold him, close my eyes and breath in heavily to take in that beautiful moment and gradually fall asleep with him in my arms, in his safe place.
He looked so good, like he did the first time I laid eyes on him, like he always did. His big winsome eyes that would stare down on me when he was on top of me, making love to me and I’d stare back at him and we would be lost in each others souls for the eyes are windows to the soul and his eyes would mirror his soul so majestically. His negro nose and his full lips that tasted like a hint of heaven, danger and regret every time I kissed on them lay perfectly on his dark chocolate face.
“He still got it and he could still get it”. I sheepishly thought to myself. I curved out a smile, an attempt to mask the glooming sadness that was building up around me. He was here. He was finally here, with me after one whole year. I pinched myself, I had waited for him. My love for him still intact.
“He was once mine”. I remembered as I stared at him in awe and longing for the good old days when he was mine but those days had already come to pass, and if there is one thing I knew then is that wishes aren’t horses and even if they were my dispirited self would be unable to ride. This man that I loved, this man that my broken heart had longed for was standing in front of me and I did not know what to do with him. I did not know how to act, what to say.
“Should I hug him, should I kiss?”. I deliberated with myself and when the deliberation bore no fruits I started shaking. I was nervous. It felt like we were meeting for the very first time and rightfully so because it’s only in that moment that I realized I knew so little of him.
“Who was he?, What did he want from me? What had he done to the man I loved, the man I had fallen for?”. I couldn’t help but torture myself. These questions kept flooding my mind, making me second guess everything I thought I knew. My brain was getting worked up, like a computer when multiple files are opened at once and if I wasn’t careful it would crush. I needed to relax. I took a breather and composed myself.
We were standing on the side of the road, a few metres from his house. We were standing under the open blue sky for the universe and all her creatures to witness us, to witness the love that once was. We were standing under the scorching sun, it’s rays shone down on us, penetrated our skins and illuminated our souls revealing two broken humans, fighting to keep their love alive.
These humans were standing face to face, holding each other’s heart in the palm of their hands. They looked happy, you could tell from the way they smiled at each other, but like every other good thing they had encountered in their luckless lives their happiness did not last long. It ended as soon as it begun. It ended when one of them dropped the heart he was holding.
I looked at his face and he smiled at me, he must have thought that I was looking at him but truth is, I was looking through him and what I saw terrified me. I saw him and I happy and in love. Our love was raw, it was pure, it was overwhelming, it was perilous and most importantly it was short lived. I saw myself loving him and loving him entirely, but he would not love me back at least not how I’d want him to. He would try but that would never be good enough. I saw him breaking my heart again, but that would be the very last time mother nature would let him do so.
We walked to his house and what happened next would lead to my damnation. A self inflicted perdition but I was too blind to see it then.